


you never greet me with silence, only smiles and a patience i've never seen

by majesdane



Category: Skins (UK) RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-04-25
Updated: 2009-04-25
Packaged: 2017-12-06 14:45:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/736857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/majesdane/pseuds/majesdane





	you never greet me with silence, only smiles and a patience i've never seen

 We look at the people who tell the truth, who say real things in public, like they’re confused. Crazy. As if everything should be said safely or not at all and what you feel shouldn’t be taken seriously. Which is why it's not polite to say "I'm going to kiss you now because I can't do anything else."

\-- _pleasefindthis_

 

 

It's a rather dreary afternoon when Kathryn slides down to sit on the steps outside of the building where she has drama classes (every Saturday morning without fail, eight o'clock until whenever, though usually not before noon); she's waiting for her mum to come pick her up, having only rung her a few minutes or so earlier. It was pouring out earlier; now the rain's falling softly, more like a gentle drizzle than anything else, but the sky still looks ominous, as if a downpour's about to happen any moment.

The cuffs of her jeans are wet; she can feel them against the bare skin of her ankle, mildly uncomfortable and a bit irritating, but she's not about to roll up her jeans and look like a loser, even if there's not even anyone else around to see her like that.

She sighs, tugs her bright pink iPod (bright pink to match her hair, of course, any other color would clash horribly) out her coat pocket, bored.

Midway through the third song on shuffle, the door behind her opens. Kathryn turns, sees a tall, slender brunette slip out of the building, lean against the brick wall. She can't remember the girl's name, but she knows they're in drama class together. The girl keeps her gaze lowered, looking at her hands, picking at her nails nervously. Kat flashes her a quick smile, says, _hey_ , and the girl looks up, almost startled like, gives her a timid smile in return.

"Hey."

She looks back down at her hands and Kat turns back around, stares out into the parking lot as the rain starts to come down harder. She nearly forgets the other girl's there; it's not until her mum pulls up and she stands, stretching, stiff from sitting on the cold cement steps. It's only then that Kathryn remembers; she turns, nods, says, "I'll see you around then, I guess."

The girl nods in response, barely meeting her eyes.

In the car, Kathryn's mum asks her who her friend was. Kat shrugs; she doesn't even know the girl's name.

 

;;

 

A week later, she looks across the room to see the girl sitting over to the side by herself, going over the script, sipping water from a bottle whose label has been torn off, just clear and plain plastic. And suddenly there's a desire to go over and sit beside her, to say hello, ask how things are, and she doesn't even know why, because, damn it, she doesn't even _know_ who this girl is, why does she even _care_.

 

;;

 

Two weeks later they all get cast in their roles (before they were just trying things out, to see what fit and what didn't, and only now that they've all settled in do the directors finally announce who's going to be playing who). Kat gets a top role, which surprises her, since she's been pretty shit this past month or so, or so she thinks, anyway, she's not deserving of it at all, really, and everyone thinks she's just being modest, but really, she's _not_. And the other girl -- that's what Kathryn refers to her in her head now, _the other girl_ , because she still doesn't know her name and she's admittedly a bit embarrassed to ask -- gets another lead part.

Lily, Kathryn learns, finally. Lily is her name.

 

;;

 

"Hey," she says, sliding down into the seat beside Lily.

"Hey," Lily says, looking a bit startled, like she can't believe that someone's even talking to her -- and then Kathryn thinks, well, no one really _has_ talked to her, Lily's been off by herself every drama class so far, and she feels a tiny pang of guilt, as if it's somehow entirely her fault.

She sits and watches as Lily keeps her eyes focused down and away, toying with a page of her script, bending the corner back and forth nervously. She thinks maybe she should say something, because otherwise they're just going to sit here in an increasingly uncomfortable silence.

Then, "Hey, uh, I'm Lily," Lily says, sticking her hand out awkwardly.

"Oh!" Kathryn shakes her hand promptly, tries not to think about how warm Lily's palm feels, says, "Hello, I'm --"

"Kathryn," Lily jumps in, then flushes. "I mean, um, I know who you are. You're massively popular."

Kat laughs, wants to say, _I'm not, really_ , but the truth is, she kind of sort of is, and Lily obviously knows this, so there's no point in denying it. And then she feels another pang of guilt, cutting low across her stomach, because maybe Lily thinks she's just trying to be polite, like she doesn't really want to get to know her.

She does, doesn't she -- want to get to know Lily? They're practically strangers, even though they've spent Saturdays together for two months now and they're going to be acting alongside each other in leading roles. Kathryn thinks it's a bit wrong, to be so close to someone and yet not really know them at all. She makes a half-hearted promise to herself to resolve this issue, and flashes Lily a wide grin.

And then Lily gets up, says, "It was nice talking to you, Kat," even though they didn't really talk at all and it sounds a bit weird for someone she just met to be calling her 'Kat' so casually.

 

;;

 

Meg says, "So, how's drama class going?" And Kathryn almost tells her to fuck off, because she can never tell when Megan's genuinely interested or if she's just asking so she can annoy Kat with questions (and it's best to always immediately assume the latter, Kathryn knows, because that's usually the case).

She says, "It's fine."

"Have you met anyone?" Megan asks, propping herself up on her elbows and looking at Kathryn intensely.

Kathryn knows that by _anyone_ , Megan means _fit boys_ , but since she hasn't really met any of them and she likes fucking with Meg when she can, she tells her, "Yeah, I have."

This piques Megan's interest, but Kat finds herself suddenly bored, because she knows that Megan would never once assume that when she said she met someone, she means Lily, thinks of hazel colored hair falling into crystal blue eyes, of Lily sitting off by herself, alone, the way Lily looked at her with eyes wide, like a deer about to bolt.

Megan doesn't ask, but Kathryn says, "They're rather nice," and then wonders why she had to say anything at all.

 

;;

 

Sometimes when she goes to parties, Lily's there. Other times she's not.

On those other nights, Kathryn talks to other girls, sometimes guys, maybe sometimes kisses them too, if she's drunk or high enough, because that's what she does. She's the life of the party, after all, it's what everyone says, and even if they don't say it, they think it. So what if sometimes she just wants to fade into the background, give Meg a chance to step up and be the one everyone pays attention to. Meg is better suited for parties anyway, doesn't even need to get completely off her tits to have a good time.

And then sometimes, when Lily comes, Kathryn spends the whole night looking over at her, stealing what she likes to think are secretive glances over where Lily's sitting on the couch or leaning against a wall or dancing a few feet away with some guy (which always surprises Kathryn, because Lily seems too shy, almost). And sometimes when Lily slips out the back door for a smoke, Kathryn follows her.

Standing on the back porch, fag lit up, Lily smoking in silence, Kathryn watches as she leans forward on the railing, barely breathing except to exhale a mouthful of smoke or to take another drag of her cigarette. Lily never says a word, and Kathryn doesn't mind the silence as much as she thought she would -- she's not used to it, the quietness that Lily seems to bring with her; for once she doesn't feel the need to fill the space with talking, is simply content to just stand here like this.

It's different, is what it is. When it's just them, she doesn't need to be the center of attention; Lily never asks her to be.

 

;;

 

"When the fuck did you take up smoking?"Meg asks, when they're standing waiting for the bus, have plans to go to the cinemas, even though there isn't really anything showing that they want to see; they're only going because Meg knows a fit boy from her form is going as well, and it's enough incentive for her to badger Kathryn into coming too (not like she had anything better to do anyway, Meg had said).

Kat sighs, exhales a mouthful of smoke, takes another quick drag (the smoke still burns her lungs, but she thinks it's just going to take some getting used to), says, "Dunno. Recently, I guess."

Megan rolls her eyes. "Well, don't let mum catch you, yeah? You'll get us both into trouble."

"Fuck off," Kat says, flicks her cigarette away as the bus rolls up.

 

;;

 

Less than a week later, Meg's taken up smoking too, because they can't ever be fucking individuals, can they, Kathryn thinks angrily (it doesn't stop her from stealing a few fags from Megan's pack when she's in the bathroom doing her hair).

 

;;

 

Meg never says anything about it, just one day Kat is sitting in her room while the two of them get high together, and she notices the bright red sticker on the mirror above Megan's vanity table. She takes a hit, nods in the general direction of it and Megan bursts out laughing, says, "What, don't you like it?" and Kathryn feels her stomach twist into an uncomfortable knot, because, no, why, should she?

She says this to Megan who laughs again and says, "I don't give a fuck who you shag, Kat, really," and leaves Kat wondering why Megan's saying all this in the first place, why she would even have an issue with Kathryn shagging anyone. She sits there, feeling stupid, (because she just doesn't _get_ , whatever the fuck it is that Meg's trying to say -- always speaking in fucking riddles) spliff in hand, until Megan rolls her eyes and grabs it away, taking a ridiculously long drag of it.

"Fucking hell, Kathryn, figure it out," Megan says.

 

;;

 

They never talk.

In class, they don't talk, aside from when they're supposed to, because it's in the script, and outside of class, they're fucking strangers. Sometimes Kat overhears her talking to the other cast members, all excited and animated, so unlike how she normally is, and it'll strike Kathryn hard, the fact that she really doesn't know Lily at all.

And she's not even sure if she _wants_ to know Lily, because this is just some stupid summer thing and they'll never see each other again after this and she's already got more friends than she needs, but she also kind of _does_ , because thinking about Lily makes her head spin and her mouth go dry, and she doesn't understand why.

 

;;

 

"You know, I don't think we've ever even said a dozen words to each other," Lily says, one evening, near the end of summer.

"Until now," Kathryn says, burning her fingers while trying to light her cigarette.

"Yeah," Lily says, finishing her fag and tossing it away. "Until now."

 

;;

 

Backstage, they get ready for their first scene.

"Nervous?" Lily asks, smoothing down the front of her shirt.

"Maybe." Kathryn bites down on her bottom lip, worrying it with her teeth. "No, uh, not really I guess."

Lily smiles and says, "Well, I am. Probably enough for the both of us."

Kat chuckles nervously at that, because, okay, she lied, she's panicking inside about going out on stage and fucking things up, even if they've been rehearsing for what feels like ages now and it's just some stupid drama class production, like it really fucking means anything. She glances over at Lily, who's checking her reflection in the tiny mirror taped to the wall.

She reaches forward, puts her hand on Lily's arm. "Don't be," she says, and Lily turns, looks at her curiously. "Don't be nervous, I mean," Kathryn amends and Lily gives her another small smile.

And then there's just -- Kathryn doesn't know what it is, but Lily's eyes are so blue and her lipstick is such a brilliant red color, and there's the slope of her neck and her bangs falling out of place, and, and, she doesn't know what she's doing, but suddenly she's leaning in and --

Lily jerks away, stares at her.

"What are you doing?"

Fuck. _Fuck_. "I -- I'm sorry, I don't, I didn't -- " Kathryn stammers out, feels her face growing hot, her stomach twisting into anxious knots.

"I'm not gay," Lily says, and Kathryn can't take it, the tone of her voice, just ducks her head down, stares at her shoes.

"I'm not either," she says, she can feel Lily's eyes still fixed on her. "It's not, I mean, I only just -- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I've got to go -- the scene."

She wrings her hands, feeling horrible, and she knows that her cue is coming up and she --

"I-I've got to go," she says, still refusing to meet Lily's eyes, wishing her heart would stop beating so fast and that she could actually breathe, because it feels like there's something stuck in her throat; she swallows hard, trying to rid herself of it. It doesn't work. "Good luck--I mean, break a leg," she says, ducking out for her scene before Lily has a chance to say anything in response.

 

;;

 

There's an unofficial after party that evening; Kathryn's completely off her tits in less than an hour, and she thinks, god, what a fucking waste, she won't remember half of this come morning, what's the fucking point. Whoever's house this is, it's alright, but they're playing shitty music, and she doesn't really feel like dancing, feels mostly just like throwing up (though she's convinced it's because of the alcohol and not because she's afraid Lily's going to make an appearance tonight).

Lily does, though (of course she does, of fucking _course_ ), shows up an hour and a thirty seven minutes later than everyone else (not like Kathryn's keeping track, she just happened to look down at her watch). Kathryn ducks away into a corner, feeling stupid and childish, but three shots later she feels a bit braver and ventures out into the middle of the room, lets a guy press himself up against her, hands on her hips, mouth on her neck.

Sometime later, she doesn't feel better, only worse, she she pulls away, decides all she really needs is a fag and some fresh air, because it's gotten too fucking hot in here and her dress is clinging to her suffocatingly. She stumbles out the front door, sees Lily, thinks for a minute that maybe she should just go find somewhere else to smoke, then thinks, fuck it, she's wasted, they're all wasted, Lily won't give a fuck.

So she opens the door, slides down next to Lily on the front steps, scraping the back of her leg on the cement as she does so. Lily turns, says, "Kathryn," like she's only just remembered who Kat is, eyes unfocused and half-closed.

"Hey soda-pop," Kathryn says, because it's the first thing that pops into her head, though she's vaguely certain she remembers it from show on telly that she saw once. She reaches down the front of her shirt, pulls out a fag and a lighter -- a trick Megan taught her, practical, if not always comfortable -- lights it quicker than she expected to be able to, takes a long drag of it, offers it to Lily.

Lily hands it back quickly, wipes her mouth on the back of her hand, says, "Hey, Kat, I've got to go," and Kathryn nods mutely, watches as Lily heads back inside (probably to call for a cab, she hasn't even got her own mobile, is shit with technology, Kathryn remembers overhearing her say that once). She sighs, puts her face in her hands, sits there until the fag smolders, finally burns her fingers, and she tosses it away.

This is it, they're finished. She won't think about intense blue eyes anymore.


End file.
